Learning to walk with him first

13 months and the ring came unexpectedly.

3 months in a new city trying to get accustomed to everything. Just right before the new year, we met at a house party where we got paired to play a game after which you asked me to marry you.

5 months later i was so glad the universe found a way to make me happy. You always wanted to be there, you’ll drive 2 hours to me by 2am when a deal goes wrong just for a snuggle and nothing more. You’d tell me how amazing everyday with me was, wake me up, say a prayer with me and cuddle me back to sleep. You never cook anything but when the flu came hard i overheard you asking your sister about a recipe. We had our songs (Duro by Teckno), our work out routine and i didn’t believe how compatible we became in a short while or so i thought. You made me fall hard for you and i loved every bit of it.

10 months and just like fine wine we got better with each passing day. You opened up more about work, extended family and the crazy things about you that should have made me take a walk but that made me stay because i thought i was seeing how hard you were working on becoming the man you thought i deserved. You talked about rings, wedding ideas and how much you loved children but i never saw it as signs that you were going to pop the question. Graduate school started and i had to move 3 hours away which you hated. You’ll plead with me on many occasions to move in with you and drive to campus but i always shoved it off. You’ll need me some days and won’t be able to reach me and the demon began to show its face. The bullying, the threats, the accusations, the unnecessary anger which comes with hurtful words for baseless things like i can’t come this weekend because i have to finish up a project that is due on Tuesday and then the apology and surprise weekend hotel breaks.

12 months, you said you’ll work on it and blamed me for being far away from you. I’ll look at you and all i’ll see is a proud someone who is carrying a burden and needs to love himself better. You told me how i’ve been there through the worse insults you’ve thrown at me and how i’m God sent, i let those words get to me and all i see when you say them is how much you adored me. That fateful evening in the car, the ring came. it was beautiful and all i could think about is how i can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me and can’t practically breath without me. Getting into the office, I showed my colleague and she said to me ‘marriage is forever, i don’t expect him to be perfect but if you can’t live with what you currently see, you will not last in it’ and this was the best advise i ever got.

13 months came quickly, and i began to think about all the things i couldn’t live with and tried to change in you. The bullying, the days of being sad, the sleepless nights i spent trying to get you to talk to me, the insults, the anxiety, the authoritative language and it dawned on me that i’m in a toxic relationship and i have been emotional abused without putting a name to it just because i was blinded by your toxicity thinking you adored me a lot. You refused to collect the ring, you asked me to get out of your car and drove off. I mailed the ring back to you and the last message you sent to me was if anything happens to you, i am to blame.

I am learning to walk in the Holy spirit and speak with him first before i carry out any action and my life has happened to be alot better. You’re always in my prayers babe, but i said no to the ring because i realised i hadn’t put Jesus first and i had to go back to the drawing board and learn to walk with him first.

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